Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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