I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
