so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
