My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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