Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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