im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
