Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry about my life...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize