Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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