would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
