Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
