Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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