There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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