We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
