you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I supernannyed him into submission
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
