Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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