a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They took my balls.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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