Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
