So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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