Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
