Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
