how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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