I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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