bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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