I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
