non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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