My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
