K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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