It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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