You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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