Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
