We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
