do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
