Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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