We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
