shes about as inviting as chlamydia
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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