i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
40s are totally the cure
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
