He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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