it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
