we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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