it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
