Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
