I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
