I cut my penus on the lid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
