another moral hangover. fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish you could order shots online.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
