If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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