I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Randomize
