You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
