We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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