So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
