you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
