i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
