ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
