Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Drunk is not a location!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize