we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
