he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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